On 5/17, I received my progesterone test results and when the nurse told me my levels were “very low”, I knew that wasn’t good. I was instructed to up my dosage from 50 to 100 mg and come in on 5/23 for my pregnancy test.
While I consider myself a pretty positive person, I am first and foremost, a realist. I knew the results meant that we probably failed this cycle so I had a good old-fashioned meltdown. Jerry tried to keep things in perspective by saying if they thought it was a lost cause, they wouldn’t have made any changes to the progesterone dosage. While this was a good point, it was also wishful thinking. So I continued to have fits of sadness and screaming and crying over the next week.
Jerry and I decided that we were going to let the office leave the pregnancy test results on his cell phone and then we’d listen to them together when I got home from work. I still had a sliver of hope that they would say “Congratulation, you’re pregnant!” on the phone…but when she said “I’m sorry but your pregnancy test was negative”, I was certainly not surprised. I suppose I had myself pretty mentally prepared for the outcome. I got a little teary while I let it sink in and then just jumped into “Well now what?”.
I am a girl (woman) that needs a plan. I function much better when I have a course of action and I can plant my focus on what is ahead. So now that Cycle 1 failed, here’s our plan of attack:
1. Stop thinking about this for a while. I need a break. I. NEED. A. BREAK! We’ve been hyper-focused on babies for almost 2 years. I’m ready to just enjoy my summer, enjoy my husband, and enjoy my life for a few months.
That being said, #1 does not mean we’re going to stop trying. So…
2. Schedule a follow-up meeting with Dr. S. I don’t need the answers to why this didn’t work. I’m 40 years old. I have a limited ovarian reserve. My egg quality is less than stellar. Jerry has a low sperm count…I get it. We were/are a long shot. But I would like to know if there is anything we can do to increase our odds without IVF (i.e. should I go on Clomid?) during the next 6 months. And prep ourselves for the next round. We meet with him on June 27th.
3. Plan Cycle 2 for January 2014. It will not increase our chances of conceiving by doing IVF 2.0 right away. Realistically, the earliest we could do it again would be @ October. I have to be retested for everything, my cycle has to even out, they close their lab from 6/23 – 7/15, etc…so why not wait another 2 months until I can get on Jerry’s insurance and the bulk of it will be covered. It’s a no brainer to me.
4. Kick our healthy living into high gear. I haven’t done a lick of exercise in almost 6 weeks. I guess walking counts but it doesn’t do as much for my mental health as getting my butt into a class and really working it out. And I have given new meaning to the word “comfort food”…good grief. Get it together, Jenny! I got on the scale and surprisingly weigh less than I did when I started this whole thing. But the numbers are never a real indication of what’s going on for me. I can still button my pants but man, I can’t wait to feel comfortable again.
As for the state of our mental health…I think we’re doing surprisingly well. This is not the end of our world. Life will go on. I have many, MANY wonderful things to be thankful for and I’m trying to reflect on those. My mantra has always been “Every thing happens for a reason”. This was not our time. Hopefully, our time will come but if not, we gave this our best shot. I will honestly walk away and have no regrets. That doesn’t mean I’m not sad. I would still love to be a Mom one day. And if it’s meant to happen, it will.